Insights Foundation Inc.

   Ever get around to cleaning out your junk drawer and find something that you haven’t a clue to what it is? Been saving it for years and don’t know what it does? Throw it back in and shut the drawer, quickly. Junk drawers come in very handy for stuff that you don’t quite know what to do with, but are not ready to get rid of yet.

   This morning one of my negative thoughts came stomping thru my mind, actually more like tiptoeing, hoping I wouldn’t notice.  They are sneaky. The thought was briefly about my son, and then how I let him down. I know that depression starts with negative thoughts, so I have been working on ways to short-circuit them before they have a chance to get me. Lately this has been difficult because instead of living in the principle that I want my life to be and practicing daily, I have been allowing the majority of daily events and people to affect me in negative ways. I end up getting emotionally distant and withdrawn, the exact opposite of being engaged and feeling alive. If I don’t decide how I will feel and behave then everything and everyone else will do it for me. And that is just not good enough because then nothing will be good enough, and that is how I’ll end up feeling about myself, not good enough.

   The human state is not about trying to be perfect. You will just beat yourself up over perfection. Do what you know in your heart is your best. The good thing about doing this is the more you do it the better you feel and then it starts feeding your soul and you know exactly what your best is most of the time. You begin to realistically examine what that really means for you and you make it count for something. Your life matters.

   Make it your intention to focus on what it is you want in your life. This is the empowering step in of  taking control of what you choose to think about and how you decide to act. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings and actions instead of numbly moving through your life.  Ah, and all of this is coming from my springboard of emotionally distant and withdrawn! I have heard that the opportunity for personal growth happens in the tough times, so I am really trying to pay attention to the part of myself that reacts to situations that come up in life.  Awareness of ones self is not always a pretty sight so remember to smile because it will make you look better and after all, you are starting to do your best.  Acceptance means that you are free to begin where you are right now, all you need is yourself.  The really good part is you are not alone-we are all in the same boat and can take turns paddling.

 

Back to that junk drawer!  Negative thinking is a conditioned response whether you are aware of it or not, it is a habit that we fall into. Since we are human and think we should be perfect or everyone else should be, or worse, think about what we perceive as our very worst failings of the past or someone else’s and then dwell on them until the sorrow hangs over us as heavily as if it is happening now. “I let my son down years ago” will spin into self-absorbed sadness. This thinking could sink the boat and I will be too depressed to take my turn to paddle.  How fair is that to everyone else in the boat?  The next time any type of negative thought comes up say “junk drawer”. Those thoughts can be very persistent, remember you have spent a lifetime entertaining them. You may have to say “Junk Drawer” out loud in public unless you start practicing now.  Say “Junk Drawer!” out loud right now. Say it in your head over and over to get your minds attention quite simply on a junk drawer. It’s where you keep your junk.  Now shut it, for God’s sake!  Something else might get out.  Clap your hands so you can hear it close! Hey there, look at that.  Your hands are free to get some work done!  If you are as behind as I am, that’s a really good thing. Take a deep breath and focus on what you are physically doing and take a step into it. Keep with your focus of where you are-Stay there!  Now move. Confusing? Good!  Step into what ever you need to do to appreciate what you are doing now. The only real moment in your life is happening right now so smile and make it happen. Go in the direction you intend to keep, and remember, you have motivational support even if you are tired of paddling. 

Make your thoughts intentionally yours & have fun doing it. Catch yourself switching to “junk drawers” with your children so they know it is ok to work on changing the way they approach life as well. We could all use more tools for living. I find that after I practice and become more aware of myself in this amazing moment of “now” that some of the things in the drawer have helped me move to a much better place. I am kind of fond of that drawer.

Dear Fred,

  It’s always good to get a letter from you. I am home for a while which feels nice and settled. I woke up this morning with Tupaw, my most amazing and wonderful cat sleeping on the bed. He usually prefers being outside because he feels it is his responsibility to guard the house, so it was a nice surprise to have him with me.  Breezy and I would watch tv at night and he would want to go out every hour or so to do a perimeter check to make sure everything was safe from marauding felines. He took home security very seriously.  We loved watching all of the cats behavior and with 7 of them there was always something going on.

  I have learned so many things from my cats in addition to the amazing relationship and companionship they give. I used to be very impatient with animals if they did something I didn’t like. Michael’s kitty knocked a vase off a shelf in the kitchen and I got mad. I was going to smack her for it, and she scampered down the hall as I yelled at her. She cowered down, afraid. All of a sudden I thought “What am I doing?” I was teaching her to be afraid of me and for what? An object? When I’m sad and alone and the cat gives me something to take care of and love which one is more important? That vase is never going to look at me with adoring eyes and want to be close to me. Captain Obvious strikes again!

  I spoke soothingly and reached down to pet the cat. After all, she was teaching me to not be so attached to material things! I thought back to the times I have been in a hurry which was basically most of the time back then and would yell at the cats to get out of my way. Was it their fault I was late? All they knew was the human that was usually nice was racing around like a maniac and yelling at them.  Not a pretty sight is it?  Think about what it looks like to your children.  I took a long look at my behavior and decided to do something about it. I explained to the cat , which was really talking to myself, that it wasn’t her fault the vase was on that low shelf, and I would move it to a safer location.

  The next time I was rushing down the stairs I stopped, petted the cat and told her it wasn’t her fault that I was in a hurry.  The 10 seconds it takes to change a behavior

pattern would begin to affect my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined when I began to intentionally practice who I wanted to be and how I chose to act.

  On a very personal scale, this cat kept me wanting to live when I felt that there was nothing to live for. I had been using drugs, my young children had been taken away, my daughter Bre was not expected to recover from a brain injury due to a fall. I arrived home from the hospital alone and hopeless. I walked through my children’s empty rooms thinking what’s the use? That is until I opened my sons closet. There was Michael’s cat, her eyes glowing with pride. She had been waiting for me to come and see her newborn kittens.  She was purring so loud as I held each of her babies and told her what a good job she had done.

  The cats are more than pets to me. They are reminders of what is really important. It is life, even the furry ones. And sometimes, especially the furry ones.

  I schedule my time much better now and don’t rush around as often, but when I do I always pet mommy kitty and tell her it’s not your fault I’m in a hurry. The difference between now & then is she knows & so do I.

  I wanted to let you know how the process of change started in my life and what practices I use to be who I truly want to be. The day is made up of seconds. Small things really, but it also is what our life is made of. An eternity of seconds spent right now.  At the end of the day, I want to remember the seconds I spent petting the cat.

  Well, this morning I woke up with Tupaw on the bed. The really cool thing is he is the daddy to mommy kitty’s babies. It’s a family deal. I kept them all, Piper, Viper, Squish and Badu. That was 8 years ago and Breezy tells me they are big cats now so I should stop saying they are little baby kittens I can hold in my hand. Talk about living in the past!  

Love and Light always, Kelli